In the instant I was unaware
I actually became aware
I don’t know if it was emotion
Or the flu virus in my body
Fucking with my brain
But I saw her letter
Everything looked strange to me
I’d try to look at something
And the outlines would shimmer and jump
Like a badly tuned telly
Back when you actually tuned tellies
In one of these jumps
I saw her letter
Nestled in the draw where it’s been for years
So long that I stopped seeing it
Familiarly invisible
As my vision strobed and my head hammered
I opened the letter and read her words
Hiding from me for 24 years
A clear warning from that past
And this future
A fragile Möbius curl of insane improbability
We should never have started trying to reckon the edges
On Sunday evening, I started to feel a bit cold. I hadn’t done as much exercise as normal so I went on the treadmill for an hour. I didn’t realise then that the shivering wasn’t from inactivity, it was from an RNA viral infection by the family Orthomyxoviridae. I’d got the flu. And I’d just done strenuous exercise.
Well, Sunday night I was delirious, pure, pure crazy. To say it was horrendous is a vast understatement. My brain felt like it was boiling in my head, every bone in my body ached and I alternated between running with sweat and shivering.
The emotional background to this is that the Friday and Saturday before the Sunday had been perhaps the most horrible start of a weekend I’ve had since… well, since I can’t remember. The fallout was heavy – I cried solidly for two hours, kid crying where you can’t catch your breath. The entire day Saturday consisted of running over things in my head, again and again. And again and again. Trying to find a way through it all without changing my life drastically. A perspective that seemed rational so that I could write off my own feelings as irrational.
I didn’t find it.
By Sunday, I was fucking drained. No sleep for two nights, trying to bend a narrative around facts that just wouldn’t fit, wondering at the surreality of it all. I felt paper-thin, rubbed away to nothing by the violence of the weekend. I tried to not think about it but I couldn’t – I can’t remember another time I’ve been attacked so cruelly.
I haven’t been seriously ill in months. I think I’ve had a couple of mild sore throats but that’s it. So, is it a total coincidence that I get the flu this weekend? As a Reichian, I’m in no doubt that it was a contributory factor but more mainstream science agrees.
EDIT –
I had to edit out the last part of this post as it was entirely dishonest. I’d tried to be optimistic, upbeat and that’s not how I feel at all. I’m feeling worried and stressed, lost and confused. And I’ve got a feeling I’ve not had in decades: I’m scared of the person I love.
Yesterday, Nat and I hoofed it to London for her pre-birthday/post-exam treat.
We hit Harrods first of all and I was bemused by the amount of escalators we had to negotiate. Felt like I was in ‘Metropolis’ and the decor didn’t help.
Then we headed over to the Natural History Museum where we greatly enjoyed the dinosaurs and other exotica.
Less so the mammals, Nat saying rather scathingly, “We don’t need to go down there, I know what a sheep looks like.”
Then, on to the handily adjacent Science Museum which was chock with wonders. I actually cried at the exhibit of the Sno-Cat:
“Newly on show, the Sno-Cat was used by Sir Vivian Fuchs in the 1955–8 crossing of Antarctica with Sir Edmund Hillary. This bright-orange tracked vehicle was one of four that completed the perilous journey, along a route littered with icy ridges and treacherous crevasses.”
(Source: Science Museum)
There was something about the tenacity and bravery of these people that just got me. Made me feel a bit useless about complaining how nippy it was outside, definitely!
We rounded a corner and I was stunned to see a Cray-1 supercomputer. I burbled at Nat about how groundbreaking it was but mainly I was struck by how awesomely cool it looked. The little leather seat bit has to be the best computer accessory ever!
There was also a shit-ton of spacey stuff on show like the Command Module above. AND THEN WE WENT TO THE MOOON! Well, we went on a “4D” ride to the moon. A great little film that accompanied us being shaken around in our seats and even squirted on to simulate splashdown. Fun!
After the museums, we pillaged the girly shops on Oxford Street, Nat cackling at every new item of swag she purloined. Okay, we actually bought everything, it wasn’t a shoplifting spree but it still felt like a bit of a raid.
Bags stuffed with goodies, we headed home. Knackered, skint, happy.
“A drone attack in a volatile tribal region of north-west Pakistan has killed at least five suspected militants, officials say.” (Source: BBC News)
Remember, suspected = innocent. But those people are still dead.
The frequency of the attacks has increased since President Barack Obama took office in 2008. More than 100 raids were reported in the area in 2010, and more than 60 took place last year.” (Source: BBC News)
I liked NATW when I first started hearing them. I DJed their pop breakthrough, ‘Five Year’s Time.’ But I didn’t really like what I’d heard of the new album. I thought ‘Life Goes On’ (can’t be arsed to type in all the full stops) was a weird mix of Paul Young’s ‘Common People’ singingly and ‘Copacabana’ thematically.
Then, on Monday, I got infected by ‘Give It All Back.’
I was driving home after dropping my mate Nat at an exam. Driving along Acorn Way to Oakwood, the sun was out and the sky was a cool blue. A song started on Radio One. Then I heard these lyrics:
Oh well the world never seemed bigger
Than the summer of ’98
Living out in the suburbs
Planning my escape
I grew my hair to my shoulders
Formed a band with a couple of friends
And we called ourselves The Devil’s Playhouse
Influences like Bruce and The Band
And we’d sing and play
Simple three chord rock and roll
And miles away
The other kids would just grow old
But we’re making our own way out
Yeah, we’re making our own way out
Well we’d practice every week in my bedroom
While my parents were working in town
And one morning in our school assembly
Played a cover of “Don’t Let Me Down”
The performance was nervous and awkward
But the passion was real and profound
And the kids in the audience laughing
While the band just stared at the ground
But the victory
For the kids who believe in rock and roll
I know for me
That performance lives, it never grows old
But we’re making our own way out
Yeah we’re making our own way out
Well I’d give it all back just to do it again
Yeah I’d turn back time, be with my friends
Yeah I’d give it all back just to do it again
Turn back time, be with my friends
Yeah I’d give it all back just to do it again
Turn back time and be with my friends
Yeah I’d give it all back just to do it again
Turn back time, be with my friends
Tonight
By the end of the song, I was crying. Not enough to crash the car but enough to drip onto my coat. I had to buy the album yesterday and since then I think I’ve listened to this song around fifty times. I’m infected by it, it’s hijacked my cells.
In the 2.56 the song lasts, NATW have managed to encapsulate perfectly my life as a musician.
I left school at 16 specifically to join a band. And I did. I played my first gig at 16, in 1982. I wrote my first song then. Yes, it was about a girl at school I was in love with, why are you even asking? And, yes, she was beautiful. I remember looking through the gaps between the buttons on her blouse when she sat next to me, seeing her breasts nestled in her bra. How could I *not* write my first song about her? She wore braces and I loved her lisp even more than her huge, soft eyes.
In the thirty years since I have grown and changed and matured and I have stayed exactly the same. I’m still writing songs about girls I’m hopelessly, stupidly in love with. I still spend a long time looking at their boobs, though I have permission nowadays. And I still have the dreams that NATW put into this song.
When you’re 16 and in your first band with your mates, there is a union, a bond you will never have again. Those first gigs, the drives out to fucking nowhere in crappy cars, not getting paid, arguing about petrol money. The post-gig grub and post-mortem. The stupid pranks boys in bands play on each other. All of those moments which seem so unimportant at the time are the most fleeting, magical things when you remember them.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my life as a musician now and I’m eternally thankful I’m able to do it as my full-time job.
But sometimes, I would give it all back just to do it again.
I’m a bit in love with my fairy lights + coathanger lighting. I think it brings out some lovely detail in people’s faces and particularly eyes. Now I’m trying to think of other new lighting options. Hrrmmm…
The astute Bzangy reader may have noticed a lot of new faces in portraits lately. Yep, I’m trying to push my portraiture further by working with as many new people as possible. Every new person is a different interaction and poses a different set of challenges. Sooo… I think novelty will help push me further. Let’s see! Not doing badly for 2012 already.
Here’s some more pics from the day with Ellie, this time inside using my fairy light and coathanger advanced super-pro lighting!
Click the pic for more!
Some snaps from when I popped over to see my mate Mikey and have a walk across Branston Golf Course when it was bloody freezing! Pretty pics, though. Click the pic for more!
